Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
