Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
