Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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