i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize