you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
