Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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