I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
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