I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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