hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
