The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
