I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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