I hope mine doesn't look like that
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
