I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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