he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
