the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
