I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
