I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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