if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
