you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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