Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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