Sry I called you an 8
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
