I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
