Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
