so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
