The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
