There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I just blew my weed a kiss
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
