I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
