god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
