I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I love having hate sex.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize