doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
