so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize