tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Randomize