she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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