what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
