I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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