remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
