I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
