dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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