I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
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