If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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