Can i not drive my cunt home
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize