u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
