my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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