Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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