I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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