oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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