I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
