when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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