I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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