why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Randomize
