...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
