i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
