Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
