Are we in a gay sports bar?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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