My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
