I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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