Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
