the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize