It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
