two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
be right there i have to get my cape
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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