Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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