i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
