Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
